Love Toto’s ‘Africa’ because it’s dreadful? Here’s just how awful it is.

At the risk of ruining this perfectly horrendous song for Toto fans everywhere, I can think of no better time than this moment of truth talking to dive deep into the shallow lyrics of the 1980’s classic and unpack the many and various ways it is an assault on sense and the senses.

For too long we have acknowledged the stratospheric cheesiness of the song, while marvelling at its wild popularity without asking whether its rousing chorus, and melancholy earnestness has duped us into belting out utter drivel.

No longer.

Don’t get me wrong, as an Africa immigrant who has lived off the continent for a few decades, I too have taken guilty pleasure in dialling up the volume in the car under the guise of expanding my kids’ cultural appreciation.

(Appreciation of 1980s pop music - not African culture, of course.)

But there are only so many times you can slide down the last line of the chorus into a baffling non-sequitur rolled into a grammatically challenging structure, where ‘things’ start off as actions and end up objects.

He’s going to take some time to do the things he never had? If you have things, surely they are tangible possessions, or perhaps feelings, neither of which you can do.

The unforgettable line “I blessed the rains down in Africa,” is similarly confusing. Down from where? Europe, maybe, if you take a north-up, south-down approach to the world (I try not to), but Toto are from Los Angeles, which is more to the left of Africa than it is above it.

And what makes them think it would be of benefit to have a rock band from California bestowing divine favour upon African precipitation?

As far as I can tell, there is no evidence such action has ever altered weather systems.

Call me too literal, but they need to brush up on their knowledge of African fauna too.

While the line ‘wild dogs cry out in the night’ might evoke haunting tones of the African savannah, to anyone who knows the continent and its wildlife it screams ignorance.

To start with, African wild dogs are diurnal. They might hunt at night but wouldn’t cry out as that would alert their prey. Instead they call to each other with a sound more like a hooting owl.

What Toto are probably thinking of are hyena, which do cry out in the night with an eerie call, but they are not dogs.

Perhaps the sciences aren’t their forte, for the line “The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation” also defies basic laws of physics.

If they mean the passenger could see stars reflected on the wing, surely it would also reflect an image of the moon, rather than be lit by the moon. And if moonlight is illuminating the wing, then you wouldn’t be able to see a reflection of the stars.

Whichever way they intend it, clearly it’s just a vehicle for a religio-celestial reference that’s supposed to provoke nostalgia for a dark continent, populated by missionaries liberally dispensing redemption to the uncivilised.

Srsly?

Yes, I know the band has admitted the song was written by “a white boy” who had never set foot in the vast place and could therefore only refer to what he’s seen on TV.

And those who are serious about 80’s pop explain the song is about a feeling, rather than the continent, or the people who live there (who don’t get a mention).

Which just means that when we call it an iconic pop hit, that status refers to it being a symbol of a decade when meaninglessness reigned supreme.

Or is that a thin veneer of reason to allow us to belt out its anthemic chorus and channel its cathartic emotion, while ignoring it is poor poetry paired with pointless sentiment, tinged with a tendency to mythologise Africa as an untamed, disembodied continent?

And if that’s trashed the song for you … you’re welcome.